Little Talks
by alixxblack
Summary: This song fic follows Merlin and Morgana from the first day they begin to fall in love until their first day together in the afterlife. Based off of the song by Of Monsters and Men . Rated T For: Brief death scene, suggested adult theme.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** It's obvious that I am not the owner of Merlin. It's obvious I don't write music. If I did I would be making money, hanging out with Colin and Bradley and Katie; or doing concerts singing about monotonous screams and mountains. I am doing neither so let's just assume I'm not trying to do either for a profit as a fraud. Thank you ;)

**A/N:** The song is "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men. The show is Merlin from the BBC. I know there are mistakes in this fic. I am a super busy person and this is sort of what I do to de-stress after my long days. I try to go back and make big mistakes but I don't always have the time. I just hope that it doesn't disrupt the reading. Leave a review because even though I might not be able to fix it I will use the advise to become a better writer.

Thanks & Enjoy

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_**"I don't like walking around this old and empty house.**_

_**So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear"**_

Morgana woke screaming. Nobody was by her side to comfort her. When she was just a little girl Arthur used to rush to her side until Uther or one of the remaining servants would come to wake her. As she aged Arthur showed up less, servants were dismissed earlier, and Gaius found himself wandering into her room in the latest hours to comfort her. On this night Gaius was out of the walls of Camelot gathering ingredients for medicines. Merlin was left behind to tend to the ill. She knew Arthur well enough to know that he worked poor Merlin nearly to death. He would not come to her at this hour, for which she did not blame him. Instead, she calmed herself down by crawling out of bed and starting into the halls. A walk around the castle at night would surely put her mind at ease.

The shadows of the night caused her to relive parts of her nightmare. This time it had been about a plague. Arthur and Uther argued about it and everyone in the lower city had caught it. Morgana hadn't been able to see what caused it but her longest lasting servant Gwen had been seen often. Morgana fear that she caught the plague. Arthur was distressed and at odd with Uther over the solution. She shook her head and stopped at a window to look outside. The village of Camelot was still. Nobody knew of her inability to sleep whom didn't live in the castle. They went forward undisturbed by her sorrow and fright. Morgana trembled where she stood.

"M'lady?" Merlin yawned from behind her. He was wearing his signature blue shirt and had that bright red scarf around his neck. His bottoms were thrown on haphazardly but he was at least decent. This was more than Morgana could say for herself, being in her nightgown.

"Oh, Merlin, you shouldn't have come. Arthur works you so hard. You really need the rest." Morgana managed to mutter loud enough for him to hear. Merlin rubbed his eyes and shook his head. He stepped up to Morgana's side and glared out at the still town beneath them.

"It's my job since Gaius is gone. Besides, I don't mind at all." He yawned again when he finished his sentence. Morgana looked at him. His jawline was not prominent and strong like Arthur's might be described but it was delicate and defined. She hadn't exactly noticed how handsome he looked before. Even with his messy hair he caused Morgana's heart to miss a beat. She peered back down to the cobblestone roads.

"The castle is quite menacing after hours." Morgana pointed out flatly. She hadn't found the comfort in her walk as she'd planned. Merlin's presence was enlightening and certainly calming, but it had not been what she ventured out for in the first place. She swayed a little realizing how tired she still felt. Merlin's shoulder rubbed on hers but she didn't move away.

"If it frightens you then why did you leave your room, m'lady? You knew someone would come to wake you." Merlin's voice was so calm and confident. He was cheerful no matter what and for this Morgana longed deeply. Nothing could disrupt his ever optimistic persona. She thought to herself that he wouldn't let a nightmare frighten him the way the shook her so badly.

"I'm not sure…" The ward admitted. He was right, even if she was just the King's ward the treatment was lush. She heard the whispered that she was the most sought after woman in the entire kingdom. Suitors from other kingdoms came to seek out her hand. Naturally, she never found herself attracted to them. They flattered, sure, but never managed to gain her heart. However, this did not necessarily mean that someone would have come to her side. The only other persons who might have heard her were Uther and Arthur, neither of which who have rushed to her side in years.

"I'll escort you back to your room, Lady Morgana." Merlin held out his hand to her. She glanced to his thin fingers which welcomed hers with shocking warmth. She took a deep breath and thought how the idea of holding Merlin's hand she a fire through her veins. She could feel herself blushing at his offer. He hadn't been a servant his whole life and didn't know such an offer would have been seen as inappropriate by anyone else. A member of the royal family and a servant holding hands was unheard of and forbidden. Regardless the Lady Morgana put her hand into his and found herself dizzy by how _right_ it felt. She drifted into his side and silently they bobbled back to her room.


	2. Chapter 2

_**"The stairs creak as I sleep,**_  
_**it's keeping me awake**_

_**It's the house telling you to close your eyes"**_

Morgana glanced over to Merlin who appeared not to be getting any sleep. It had been many months since he took her to her room after a horrific nightmare. It came to be that the plague was caused by Arthur's killing of a unicorn. Merlin and Arthur had resolved the issue but the result of the ordeal was Gwen's father's death. There seemed to be a tiny rift between the servants and their masters, but Arthur and Morgana never ceased to make Gwen feel comfortable. Merlin turned his head and found Morgana staring directly at him. He smiled curtly before jerking his head back down to the table. The servant was obviously exhausted.

"Arthur, Merlin needs to the night off. He looks miserable." Morgana whispered to the boy who was best described as her brother. He stopped stuffing his face only for a moment to check on his the boy. Merlin was holding his head in his hands and Gwen was reaching across the table rubbing his hands. Morgana's gut clenched for a moment. Gwen and Merlin were always together, she was curious if perhaps they were seeing each other when they didn't work. She had to convince herself that Arthur worked Merlin far too hard for such a thing to be possible.

"I'll dismiss him after dinner, Morgana." Arthur concluded. She hated that he wouldn't do it now while Merlin struggled to stay awake at the table. She looked down at her plate. She was not very hungry to begin with but had managed to nearly clear her plate. Arthur was on his seconds and Uther was reviewing some scrolls while he dined and hadn't even finished half of his plate. She threw back the chalice filled with lemon water. If Arthur would not dismiss him now she would do it for him.

She swayed to and fro as she approached the end of the table where Gwen and Merlin sat. Uther looked up to his ward but was undisturbed by his sudden movement. He wished her farewell and to sleep well. Morgana knew sleeping wasn't an option for her but she hoped it was for poor Merlin.

"Merlin, Gwen – you are both excused for the evening." Gwen curtsied to the lady. She offered to escort Morgana to her room but she insisted she could help herself. As for Merlin he didn't budge right away. Gwen nudged him as she left the dining hall and thanked Morgana once more.

"I'll escort you to you room, Merlin." Merlin registered her statement this time. He turned his chin up at to her and there were dark bags under his eyes. Arthur might not have noticed this as sleep deprivation and assumed he was simply looking more pale and thin than usual. He wouldn't put one and two together mostly because he didn't seem to care about Merlin as deeply as perhaps she did.

Morgana held open the door for Merlin, which she supposed Arthur was damning from his seat. He always thought that Morgana didn't understand the boundaries between the royal family and their servants. She was always kind, always helpful, to those who were supposed to be doing work for her. Arthur didn't hate it because it was noble of her to care so much for the people around her; he never ceased to tell her this. However, he said that sometimes she blurred the lines of what was acceptable and what was not.

Morgana didn't take Merlin's hand for fear that someone might see. She wasn't scared that she'd be judged for liking Merlin, just worried the reputation it would bring since it was not allowed. Their status separated their ability to really express any attraction. Although, Morgana couldn't really speak for Merlin since she didn't know if he was at all fond of her romantically. Morgana could admit that she found herself paying more and more attention to Merlin daily. She found herself attracted to him as a result of noticing the amazing little things.

Merlin and Morgana were far from the sight of others in the dark stairwell that would lead them to Merlin and Gaius' quarters. She stopped walking and put her hand on Merlin's shoulder. He paused and turned to her. His sweet and sincere smile decorated his lips and Morgana found herself leaning slightly forward. Her mind was drifting to the sweet dreams she experienced from time to time.

"Are you alright, Merlin? You look awful." She asked while maintaining uninterrupted eye contact. Merlin seemed to be leaning in as well. He did take a step up nearer to her. She could smell some of the herbs he worked with on his clothes. He must have helped Gaius prepare antidotes that afternoon. She tried to remain composed.

"It's difficult to sleep at night. I find myself distracted by the noises the castle makes. I hear stones tumble, stairs creak, it's as though I've lost my mind." Merlin sighed. His eyes fluttered closed for a second. He rest his head on the stone for a moment but was promptly pulling himself upright. "But these aren't your troubles, m'lady, I shouldn't burden you with them."

Morgana took Merlin's hand and kept him near as she walked him to the door that she would inevitably leave him standing at for the evening. She hated to part him in this state. She waited for him to let her hand free but they ended up watching each other in silence for several minutes. It was not awkward as it might have been with anyone else. Eventually Morgana used her free hand to cup Merlin's cheek and rub her thumb over his brow.

"It's not madness, Merlin. It's the castle telling you to go to sleep. Your imagination is best used in your dreams." His lips parted in silly sort of realization. Morgana stepped closer to him and had every intention of kissing him but sounds from behind the chamber's door startled her. She smiled at him and bowed slightly before heading back to her room. When the lady took a quick peek behind her Merlin was still standing there looking at the spot where she had just stood.


	3. Chapter 3

_**"Some days I can't even dress myself.**_

_**It's killing me to see you this way."**_

Gwen was sitting outside of Morgana's room when Merlin came running up. Gwen got off of the nearby chair and met him in front of the door. She'd requested Merlin's presence, Morgana that is. Gwen for some reason was frustrating the Lady Morgana and stated that Merlin would be more help than her normal maid.

"I told Arthur you'd be serving him lunch. I didn't say why just that I had chores elsewhere. He wasn't happy but I ran away before he could yell at me for it." Merlin always risked himself to help others around him. Gwen always told Morgana that Merlin was adored by many in the lower city. Morgana never seemed surprised.

"She's waiting inside on her bed. I don't know what bothers her. She won't say a word to me about anything." Merlin patted Gwen's shoulder and wished her luck with Arthur, who was also very cranky that day. Merlin entered into Morgana's room unannounced and searched for her. It wasn't long before he found her exactly where Gwen had said she'd be – on the bed.

Merlin sat next to her, noting that she was wearing her nightgown still. It would be widely mistaken if someone were to walk in at that exact moment. She was staring off into the ceiling for whatever reason. He'd heard around the castle that he nightmares grew more restless and she appeared ever more distracted.

"M'lady? Gwen said you requested me specifically?" He asked kindly. She nodded with distinct fear across her face. Merlin looked around to the door he'd closed behind himself. He put an arm around Morgana and leaned into her ear. "It's killing me to see this way, Morgana."

This elicited a response from her. She turned into him and nestled her hand into his scrawny chest. She sobbed uncontrollably and never spoke one word to him as to why. She held him close and let go of whatever it was that stressed her so deeply. Merlin did not probe for information but rather sat there patiently as she continued on with her sorrow. He did not judge for it and neither did he hate being with her. He'd grown very fond of the lady, sometimes finding himself daydreaming of her when he was working for Arthur.

She eventually laid back on her bed and crawled under the covers. She looked to be completely mental but Merlin sat nearby. Her lips quivered and her body shook as she struggled to find a comfortable position. Morgana had never appeared to fragile.

"Things happen at night. Candles relight themselves, doors open and close on their own, and objects I need that are on the other side of the room float onto my nightstand. I can't explain them, Merlin. I'm frightened. I'm so scared of myself that I can't even change my under garments. I'm going mad!" She was trying not to shout but she did raise her voice. Morgana finally sat upright and pulled her knees to her chest. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do for her but he did have an answer. For a long time Gaius had been telling Merlin to keep his nose out of Morgana's nightmares, which they both had concluded were premonitions of actual events. She was a seer but Merlin had been forbidden to tell her by Gaius. If Uther ever knew then Morgana would be burned for a crime she knew not she committed. Unfortunately, not being told was causing her to go insane. Her emotional state was unstable and uncontrollable. Merlin hated standing idly by as she found herself falling apart from not knowing, from not having an explanation for it all.

"Do you want to know a secret?" Merlin scooted up next to her and wrapped his arm around her again. She leaned on his shoulder and nodded softly in response. Merlin knew the risk he was taking in telling Morgana the truth. He knew that Gaius would scold him. He knew that Uther might kill her. He also knew that he was a warlock and that even though he'd been warned not to let her know her true powers that letting her go insane wasn't the right thing to do. "It sounds like magic, doesn't it?" He squeezed her ever closer.

"Uther would kill me if it were true. He's got no heart and no sympathy for anyone with magic. He'd have me killed for everyone to see." It was the most smooth her voice had sounded yet. It was as though she was not in a mad panic at all. Merlin took his free and turned her chin towards him.

"I promise that I would never let that happen." Merlin felt her cool skin on his fingertips but it did nothing for the burning sensation he had in his body. Their friendship had been growing and growing since the first night that he had to take her back to her room. It was a fresh memory. All the while he was stuck in his own mind Morgana was sinking into him, so much that her lips found his and her hands ran through his hair.

Merlin had never been kissed before and found himself melting at the experience. Everything around them seemed to freeze. Morgana grew more engrossed in kissing him and Merlin grew more active, put his own hands behind her hand and on her waist. It seemed to go on forever. It was Arthur's incessant knocking that eventually pulled the pair back to reality.


	4. Chapter 4

_**"Cause though the truth may vary**_  
_**this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore."**_

Morgana was standing outside of Camelot lost and confused. All she could remember was that Merlin tried to kill her and that Morgause had saved her. She couldn't remember anything after that and the interesting thing was that she never resented Merlin for it. Sometimes she had nightmares that she'd made a deal that resulted in the death of many Camelot citizens and knights. Sometimes she felt that she could hear Merlin whispering 'I'm sorry' to her. All of the visions had been true, then. In the days after she kissed the manservant and found themselves silently admitted of their feelings something changed. She knew she had magic and somehow it went sour. She found herself on the wrong side…

But in that time she also found herself truly detached of Uther. She hated him. She couldn't stand the man he was and how desperately he hated magic. At time he didn't even seem to care for his own son. He mistreated everyone and had a bitter dislike of everything. Morgana seemed to recall that this was why she agreed to a terrible task. One that left her without Merlin, one that left Merlin to kill her to save others… no, she couldn't be mad at Merlin for making a selfless decision.

Aside from that she wasn't sure how long she'd been gone, how much time had passed. All she knew was that she saw Camelot's white walls and that she was trying to get there, trying to get back home again. Branches started to crack behind her. She whipped around and fell into a tree trunk. Several footsteps and hooves sounded nearby. The only sound she cared to hear, however, was Merlin's voice calling her name.

She rode with Merlin who had been the first by her side. She held onto him and gazed behind him every so often at a very frustrated Arthur. So rarely it was that he didn't get to be the hero. She had a feeling that Merlin was always the good guy, though, leading and guiding Arthur down the right paths. Morgana even wondered if Arthur could attain victory without his supporting manservant and the advice he always gave at the right times.

Gaius and Uther were standing outside on the steps to the castle. Uther was the first to come grab her from the horse. She was so weak and tired that she didn't resist the monster's grip around her body but she didn't look at him at all. She had no respect for him and hoped the worst for him in the future.

Days seemed to pass by before Morgana got to see Merlin again. Gaius and Gwen tended to her every minute of every day, ensuring that she was in good health and well fed. They explained to her bits and pieces of what had happened leading up to her disappearance, nobody mentioning once that Merlin tried to kill her to lift a curse. A curse was never mentioned, and Merlin's role in his disappearance complete absent. Again his good deeds were left in the dark. One evening when Arthur came to visit she asked why Merlin avoided her.

"I've asked him that several times, Morgana. He won't talk about it. He said his duty was done when he got you into the right hands. The blithering idiot won't even acknowledge me if I say your name anymore." Arthur paced her bedside but all Morgana saw was a nervous wreck instead of a perplexed prince. There was little honor in his words and she feared he would too be lost to Uther's deadly temper.

"Don't speak of Merlin in that manner, Arthur Pendragon. You don't know what it is that bothers him." She had a fire in her voice she might have forgotten long ago. She was even sitting up a little higher in her bed.

"And you would know how?" Arthur spat back at the ward angrily. She twisted around in her bed to look the prince square in the eyes angrily. She would not stand down and let Arthur insult Merlin again. After all, she was pretty sure she loved him.

"He tried to kill me, Arthur. I disappeared because Morgause put a curse one me and Merlin had to kill me to save Camelot. She lifted the curse and left to save me. He's avoiding me because who really wants to come spend time with someone they tried to kill? He's not a blithering idiot but rather a scared boy that you've not respect for!" Morgana was shouting at this point. Soon after tears fell from her eyes and memories flooded her mind from the one and only time Merlin and she had kissed. Arthur had been pounding at the door and nearly caught them. He later asked Gwen if there was something going on between Morgana and Merlin but Gwen insisted Arthur's imagination was overactive.

Arthur left the room swiftly without another word. She feared that Arthur was going to kill Merlin for his actions. She shouldn't have opened her mouth; she knew it when he slammed the door behind him. She rushed to get out of bed but found that just as she reached the door Merlin was being shoved through by Arthur. Gwen staring from behind with concern.

"DO NOT COME OUT UNTIL YOU HAVE THINGS IN ORDER, AND THAT'S A DEMAND, MERLIN!" Arthur left the two in Morgana's room, probably guarded by Gwen to ensure they didn't separate until things were back in order. She wasn't sure exactly what it was Arthur was intending on them figuring out but they were left standing there awkwardly looking at one another. "Hello, Morgana."

"You tried to kill me." She stated calmly.

"I don't except you to fine with it. I understand you are cross with me. I thought that since you and Morgause had been close that she cursed you. I did the only thing I could think of and I know now that it didn't matter. I should not have done it. I wasn't thinking right and I am glad you are alive and I promise I'll never…" She smacked him across the face midsentence. She was tired of listening to him babble. Morgana knew that what he did saved Camelot and she wasn't mad at him in the slightest.

"I don't care how the story is told. I know the truth and I'm not holding it against you, Merlin. I care about you enough to know you did what you had to do." Morgana and Merlin stood still and thought about the words that hung between them. Yes, he had tried to kill her. No, she wasn't mad at him for it. In fact, Morgana kind of admired him for being able to be so incredibly selfless. "Do you love me?"


	5. Chapter 5

_**"There's an old voice in my head**_  
_**that's holding me back**_

_**Well tell her that I miss our little talks."**_

Morgana was dressed in black now and plotting with Morgause to take over Camelot. Uther was their target but they'd determined that Arthur was no good either. Morgause had her doubts about whether Merlin should be left to live in their kingdom. Morgana declared his devotion to Camelot's people was most strong, even more than Arthur's. Morgause said Merlin would be put in trial and later promised life or death after review. Morgana wouldn't let Morgause kill the man she loved but she never dared to speak of her feelings. She'd do what it took to keep him alive. Even if it might mean killing her sister.

"I'm going for a stroll, Morgause, I can't seem to sleep. Would you care to join me?" They were camping nearby in an old druid village. It was well hidden by mossy trees and the valleys kept them high above hunters and search parties. Morgause told Morgana she would remain behind to protect the camp. It was the answer that Morgana expected, the one she'd been hoping to hear.

An hour later Morgana found herself standing in front of Merlin in a cave on the shore front of a lake found between Camelot and her camp. They would meet up whenever they could communicate. Morgause never knew about it, at least Morgana assumed this to be true. She'd never broached the topic or ended the meetings. She probably didn't know, Morgana guessed. Morgause wouldn't have let something like that, not a chance.

"Morgana." Merlin hummed. In spite of her role in the enemy's team he loved her just as much. They embraced for a long time before they parted. Merlin looked tired and beaten. Arthur surely had him working twice as often and twice as hard. Morgause and she had been attacking endlessly, never letting their guard down and weakening the defenses. Merlin begged Morgana to stop but she told him that it would never happen. She dreamed of a land where magic was no longer outlawed. They tried to avoid the topic most of the time when they met since it was so rare they be together.

"I miss you so often. I miss sneaking around for kisses and stealing you away from chores." Morgana enjoyed the life she had before, minus the fact that Uther was pure evil. Merlin took her hands in his but was quick to let them fall from his grasp. He was troubled by something.

"Morgana, this tirade has to end. Arthur had a destiny to create a perfect land in which magic could be used freely without prejudice. Each day you attack, each day you kill, he strays further from that path. I cannot set him right if you do not let me." Merlin was sitting on a stump nearby running fingers through his hair. Something about the coldness in his voice hinted to her that there was significantly more to the conversation that he hinted. This wasn't about Camelot anymore. She feared it was about them.

"There are times when I question if I've made the right decision. It's like I hear myself from many years ago reminding me that Uther's hatred stems from his wife's death, that he's scared of what he doesn't understand. It's a pestering noise but I can't help but feel this is the only way. I battle myself every day." Morgana admitted that she struggled regularly to maintain her role in the fight to end the Pendragon line and take over Camlot. Merlin's eyes were hidden by shadows but his tears shimmered in the moonlight and she could almost hear his words before he spoke them.

"If that Morgana ever returns, the Morgana that I fell in love with, let her know that I miss her. Let her know I'll be waiting." And as quickly as they'd met he was leaving on the stolen horse. Morgana couldn't believe that the relationship they'd managed to maintain was over. It didn't needed to be explicitly stated for the message to be clear. Morgana's heart stopped beating and she fell to the ground with a high pitched wail. Any passersby who might be awake could have mistaken her for a banshee.


	6. Chapter 6

**_"Soon it will all be over, buried with our past_**

**_We used to play outside when we were young_**  
**_and full of life and full of love."_**

Morgana and Merlin were standing face to face in the center of Camelot. Dead bodies were scattered around them and Morgause was likely murdering Uther as surely as they breathed air. She was holding a sword to his throat with tears streaking the make-up on her eyes. Merlin didn't cry with her, he knew he made a decision necessary for the good of Camelot.

"Promise it will be quick, Morgana." He demanded at the obviousness of his death. It had been four years since they first began falling in love. The damage time left on their romance was evident but the passion never dissipated. There was fire between them still even though she aimed to kill him that evening.

"Do you remember how happy we were before, Merlin? It didn't matter that it was a secret because it meant so much to us. It kills me that we cannot be on the same side." Morgana tried to keep her voice down even though it would fall on deaf ears, very literally since corpses were their only audience. Merlin stepped into the sword.

"And I would rather die than see you continue on this way. This is not the Morgana I knew then. She is merely a memory from the past." Morgana slashed Merlin in the collar bone and then across the shines. Blood began to soak his clothes and the light reflected on the fresh liquid. Immediately she dropped the weapon and healed his wounds. She came over and kissed his neck to his cheek.

"Someday this will be a part of our past, Merlin. I only hope that you'll be there waiting for me." Merlin had to hold back the tears, she could tell. He wanted to be there waiting as much as she wanted him to be there. Whether or not this was a possibility was too unpredictable. A light was cast from the watchtower which was the signal Merlin had been waiting for, apparently. He kissed Morgana quickly before running away from her. She couldn't follow him, her heart begged her not to see where it was he ran. He would be the hero as he was always meant to be. Morgana knew that she would have to create an alternative, a diversion, to explain why it was she arrived so close to Merlin. She started checking the bodies for survivors before moving on to set various homes on fire.

She came across Gwen's home where she sheltered several young children and some adults who managed to escape. Gwen must have seen Morgana because she stepped outside with a weapon in her hands. They did not speak at first. Gwen gave her a stern look of disapproval and Morgana simply glared with jealousy. She had grown close to Arthur and share a forbidden love just as she had; only Gwen was on the same side as her true love. Instead of behaving spitefully Morgana waved her hand over a nearby patch of surviving grass.

"Those petals can mend many of the wounds and burns those people have experienced. They grow naturally near the castle. Do not ever speak a word that I have done this for you." Morgana commanded. The maid had been on her side before, unaware of the evil that she would eventually create. Gwen stepped forward cautiously and checked the flower to confirm they were healing plants.

"I know about Merlin and you. I saw him sneaking out one and I followed him." Gwen explained. She did not look as mad as she had before. However, she did not put the weapon down to pull up the flowers. She knew the threat that Morgana posed. Gwen was just as loyal to the people of Camelot as Merlin and Arthur, and if she ever were Queen she'd be a great one.

"Merlin and I are no more, Gwen. We made our beds and must continue on without each other. I did this in appreciate for the wonderful man that Merlin has always been. I do not do it for myself." Morgana proclaimed. She did what Merlin would have expected her to do before she changed, what he would have done himself if he had magic.

"A love like yours will never die, Lady Morgana. He'll always be there for you. Until the very day that he dies!" Morgana was already headed to the main halls of the castle where a battle ensued without her. Morgause would likely need her help now, not to imply she was incapable, but it always seemed that Merlin was Arthur's good luck charm. When he was there Arthur seemed invincible. Morgana knew the feeling all too well.


	7. Chapter 7

_**"Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.**_

_**Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear."**_

Arthur Pendragon was finally King. Taking down Arthur would be far easier than taking down Uther, which Morgana managed to do. Morgause had been lost that night in Camelot, the last night she had ever seen Merlin. For months she'd been trying to avenger Morgause's death and finally she'd done it. She couldn't help but admit it was due to the great help that Agravaine had been throughout. Merlin stood ever more faithful at his side and soon Gwen would be made Queen and she'd be standing at his side. She knew that in power the three of them were capable of many things, but her magic would not succumb to weakness against them. As far as she understood her only enemy was Emrys. And with Emrys, well, he hadn't shown his face in Camelot.

Morgana was on the outskirts of Camelot. She didn't terrorize any villages or settlements. Sometimes she would even use a little magic to help them out. Mostly she kept to herself and plotted ways to get the thrown and rule as a kind Queen. It was to be her Camelot. Only a ruler of magic could truly bring equality to all types of life and people. Arthur was poisoned by his father's hatred for magic and clearly had no intentions of lifting the ban. Merlin was a brilliant man but was misguided in his assumptions of the inglorious Arthur Pendragon.

From time to time Morgana would use a scry to watch over Merlin. He was a well behaved boy and very faithful. Morgana would sometimes catch Gwen and Merlin talking over dinner in Gaius' chambers and she'd insist that he move on. Merlin admitted time and time again his heart belonged to the woman Morgana used to be and wouldn't give up the chance that it'd return. Gwen nodded sometimes, "I know." She always whispered it and likely reflected on that night when she told Morgana Merlin would always wait. He still waited. It wasn't until she was hovering over a piece of parchment with a quill in hand that she'd realized she was crying. She missed Merlin more than she could ever imagine. Too long it had been since they'd seen each other face to face. She hoped that if she sent for him he'd grant her the time of day, even if only to tell her there was nothing for her in him.

_Merlin,_ She started.

_You know well who I am and what it is that I seek. I'll be in Ealdor in one week's time. Tell your beloved King you wish to visit your mother, surely he can give you at least that much to enjoy. I promise you there is nothing to fear in this travel and in your absence. I'll be waiting to see if you show._

_ Always._

She waited until the dead of night to approach a set of people travelling into Camelot. She paid them a pretty pence to deliver the letter to the court physician. Gaius had a lot of respect for Merlin and would not question the letter in the slightest. As soon as she sent the letter she headed to Ealdor. She walked most of the way but eventually used magic to find a wild horse and more magic to tame it so she could ride there. Once near Ealdor Morgana paused her uneventful trip in order to scry Merlin.

She saw that he was riding to Ealdor. Her heart fluttered and she felt slightly dizzy. He had decided to meet her in Ealdor. Or maybe he missed his mother and thought he should go visit anyway. Either way, though, if she didn't see him face to face she could watch from a far. It was a disturbing settlement but she wouldn't mind. The only thing she was more passionate about than gaining Camelot for her own was her love for Merlin.

The first day in Eadlor Morgana watched Merlin from afar. She stay on the outskirts of town since she would be easily spotted in her all black dress. He said 'hello' to neighbors and surprised his mother as she pulled vegetables from the garden near her home. Merlin and his mother loved each other so generously. She kissed his forehead endlessly. They hugged and dined together. After the sun set she waited outside his window in the dead of night hoping to see him stir. When she found he would not wake she went to a nearby cave and slept. She did need rest too.

"Morgana." The whisper was far too familiar. She jolted awake and found Merlin hovering over her. She seemed to have floated up to his lips and snaked her arms around his waist. Their kiss was deeply passionate and very intimate. The heat was building between them over this single kiss but Merlin parted from her slowly and rested his forehead against hers. The sun had not fully risen but shed enough light that they could see one another's features.

"You look so much older." Morgana spoke softly yet playfully to the manservant that she loved so desperately. Merlin flashed a quick smile.

"I could say that same about you. I can't say I'd complain, though." Morgana tensed up with a need to have all of Merlin to herself. Many people her age were married with children and she'd never experienced physical love from Merlin, or from any man. It was funny because she would seduce travelers into helping her but she never followed through with it. She had always wanted to save herself for a time when she could be with Merlin.

"There are days when I wonder if I'm making the wrong decision for the right reasons or the right decision for the wrong reasons. Either way I think about it I find myself without you when I go to sleep." She was being far more serious now, showing her less than stable mental state. She had never really been whole since she left Merlin behind and watched Morgause die. Merlin let his hands wander over her hips and up her back, tracing the seams of her dress.

"You fool yourself with this nonsense. It's your mind playing tricks on you." Morgana shook her head and furrowed her brows. She was so confused. Admittedly she felt as if she were fighting a losing battle. The war against Arthur's reign seemed endless and she wasn't even promised the throne at the end of her endeavors. She tightened her grip on Merlin hoping that he wouldn't leave.

"I have never stopped loving you." Morgana sang to the manservant. Merlin pushed her back onto the cave floor, kissing her throughout the transition. Their hearts were racing but in their dizziness they made decisions that they would never regret.


	8. Chapter 8

_**"Cause though the truth may vary**_  
_**This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore"**_

Morgana was pacing the walls of Camelot. Merlin had to know that she was there. He'd been dodging Arthur and trying to get out of the castle walls all day. She had been watching and waiting and now the sun was setting she expected him to come out of the dungeon door. She was angry and frustrated. She'd heard rumors from other witches and warlocks that Emrys guarded Arthur Pendragon constantly. If this were true Merlin would know, and whether or not she'd find out exactly who Emrys was she'd at least find out if he was there.

Morgana ran her fingers through knotted hair and worried about Merlin's absence. She watched the night grow darker. She grew more restless and upset every hour he failed to show. Just when the sky lightened in the earliest hours of the morning Merlin slid out when she was walking away from the castle.

"Morgana!" He hissed. He rushed over to her and escorted her behind a mossy hill. He didn't want her being caught by any guards. Merlin and Morgana were pressed against each other and breathing heavily. The last time they had seen each other they gave into deeper more physical desires. Their hearts raced now in the same longing but Merlin shook his head to bring them back to why she was there.

"I have been told by various sources that Emrys guards Arthur. Is this true?" Morgana looked panicked to him surely. She had told him before of her fear of Emrys that he was named enemy. Merlin always seemed distant as if she shouldn't worry of him but such a thought was never vocalized. Usually he would insist that he didn't believe her demise would be Emrys, that she was a strong woman and capable of keeping herself alive.

"Emrys has been prophesized as Arthur's guardian. If you have been told he is here it then it's not difficult for me to assume it's true. I've told you before that you can stand your ground if this tale of your battle to death with him ever comes to pass." Merlin again didn't make eye contact with her. He looked all around to ensure nobody was nearby to hear them speaking. They'd always snuck around and always been cautious, however this day Morgana had been less than patient.

"Just tell me if he is in Camelot, Merlin. I don't wish to know whom he is just where he is at, you know how I fear his strength. I'm not sure I'm ready to take him on yet. If he were to attack I would surely die!" Merlin kissed Morgana's neck and ran his hands over her hips. It was almost as if he were trying to distract her from the topic at hand. If she didn't know better she might have thought he was Emrys…

If she didn't know better she might have thought he was Emrys…

If she didn't know better she might have known he was Emrys…

…a long time ago…

"You're Emrys." She choked. Merlin stopped. Time slowed down for just a second.

"You are Emrys." She gasped. Her breathing was rapid and uncontrollable. She was completely frantic.

"YOU ARE EMRYS!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Merlin was trying to hush her and keep her from nearly seizing beneath him. He hushed her as she fell into tears and shattered in front of his eyes. She couldn't believe it. All this time Merlin had been Emrys. Never once had she caught him doing magic. Never once had she suspected that Arthur's good luck wasn't because he was so close to Merlin but because Merlin had magic. Never before had she connected the distance in Merlin's stare during conversations about Emrys to the concept of him actually being Emrys.

The stories and destinies laid out all the years before they were born detailed that they would be enemies. That he was her destiny and her doom. Morgana had fallen in love with the man that was supposed to kill her and he fell in love with the woman he was supposed to destroy. She panicked not because of the reality in it but because of the loss she was going to experience.

"This cannot be!" She exclaimed into his chest. Merlin cried with her. A greater tragedy could not exist. They would never get married. They would never have children. They couldn't grow old together even though it was all they longer for, all they wished to have as long as could live. But in order to live the other must first die.

"Remember what you said to me last time we met?" Merlin asked her in a tone so low she almost didn't hear them. She remembered quite well.

"I never stopped loving you." She repeated to him. The statement was never truer than it was in light of her discovery.

"And neither have I stopped loving you. I knew the prophecy before I fell in love with you and I haven't let it stop me from continuing to love you. Whatever our destinies this will not change." Merlin commanded the words that had always ruled Morgana's mind, only now it was in a different sense that they were true. She nodded into him and he offered to meet her again in a few days while Arthur was on a hunting trip with the knights. Morgana promised no attacks would occur. Not for a while, she admitted. The trauma of Merlin also being Emrys left her body feeling weak and left her body feeling empty. Perhaps she'd always been on the wrong side.


	9. Chapter 9

_**"Don't listen to a word I say**_

_**The screams all sound the same"**_

Morgana was experiencing the nightmares again. Before it was visions but now she was seeing her own death. She was watching Merlin stand over her trying to get her heart racing again, flashing his golden eyes in attempt to use magic to restart a steady heartbeat. However, not far behind him was Arthur watching calmly. Surely Arthur was her killer. When she woke she struggled the gain her breath again.

Her high pitched screams carried through the forests most times and occasionally Merlin showed up after hearing reports of a banshee nearby. He'd find Morgana in the same place every time, a meadow they'd once met at long ago when she was still a good person. She lost that side of her years ago. The next morning she found Merlin riding with Gwen behind him. Morgana jumped up and pointed at the yellow clad woman. She was Queen but she still wore her servant dresses when she left the castle.

"Why did you bring Gwen? She'll tell Arthur I am out here and he will have me killed on the spot! He would do it himself! I have told you of my nightmares." Morgana growled at the woman who was aging nicely. It had been nearly five years since she last saw Gwen face to face in the middle of the war Morgause waged on Camelot. She had a stare of caution that resembled the one she had that night.

"Gwen caught me sneaking out…" Merlin ran his hair through his hair and stared at the ground. Morgana knew a day like that would eventually come and they'd have to explain the situation. It had been a very long time since Morgana spoke with Agravaine and attempted to murder Arthur. Morgana nodded but watched Gwen suspiciously.

"Morgana, it's been too long." Gwen dismounted her horse and approached with deliberate motions. Morgana held her hand out for Gwen and they nodded as they shook politely. Merlin smiled at the lack of tenseness in the air. Gwen took her place on a nearby stump.

"So I guess we're expected to explain our situation to Gwen?" Morgana was somewhat defensive. She eyeballed the new Queen who simply smiled at the villain that terrorized her husband. In spite of the horrible person Morgana had become it didn't appear that Gwen had any resentment for the woman that used to be her master.

"We're not expected but it would probably be proper." Merlin explained to Morgana who was softening up a little more every second that passed. Morgana and Merlin sat on a pile of moss nearby. They looked at Gwen and started from the beginning, the night that Morgana woke in the middle of night. Gaius had been out of Camelot and Merlin went to her rescue. All the way until that very moment when they sat in front of Gwen telling the tale of their romance; it left Gwen crying.

"Your story is most lovely, Merlin – Morgana. I cannot imagine a more beautiful tale." Gwen came over and hugged both the manservant and lady. "You know, Morgana, if you ever came back to Camelot to stay I could talk Arthur into giving you amnesty."

Morgana looked over Gwen, a kind and forgiving woman most kind to her people. She would show the people how true she was to her words by talking Arthur into letting Morgana return to Camelot. As terrific as the prospect was she would never be able to live there again. The people that loved Gwen would hate Morgana. Time had humbled her and she knew a life with Merlin was gone. A life like the one she once had was gone.

"When I sleep I can hear the screams of protest if I ever came back. If it's not the screams of protest it the screams of death. And worst off it, if it is not either of those screams it is my own as I recount the horrors I have caused. Although, over time they begin to sound the same; indistinguishably so." Morgana sighed and watched as Gwen headed off on a short walk, mumbling that she'd return soon. She knew that the pair needed some privacy. It didn't matter whether Gwen was there or not she knew what Merlin would say.

"I'll leave with you. We can live in Ealdor with my mom. We can live on our own somewhere else. We could make our own camp. Arthur would never take you down if I were with you. The years of your attempts at tyranny have gone and a new peaceful life has come. When will you accept that the prophecy will never exist?" Morgana frowned at her lover. He asked if he could bring someone to marry them if she'd do it, but her response to each of his offers were always the same; a life they could not. It was always a life they could not have. Morgana and Emrys were never meant to be together.

"Be true to yourself, Emrys. There are some things that simply cannot be…" She started away from the young warlock. She saw Gwen's hand jerk up to her mouth from the corner of her eyes. She'd not been far and overheard Morgana call Merlin by his true name: Emrys. Merlin had told him some time ago that Arthur was becoming wary of the Emrys that people fabled would bring down Morgana. He feared a warlock stronger than Morgana. Now that Gwen knew that the man Arthur was more scared of than Morgana had been by his side all along.


	10. Chapter 10

_**"Though the truth may vary**_  
_**this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore"**_

Morgana was scrying Merlin's meeting with Arthur. Merlin warned Morgana that Gwen approached Arthur on the topics of Morgana and Emrys specifically. Throughout the conversation she found that Arthur would grant amnesty to Morgana but never allow her in the castle walls again. Gwen also found that Arthur would lift the ban on magic if he could speak with the prophet warlock Emrys. Of course, the King admitted to his wife, those were just hopes of his that were not possible. Gwen gulped her food back and asked what if it were? Arthur promised a safe meeting if Emrys were to approach the King peacefully. Gwen said that came across a woman who knew who Emrys was and she would set up a meeting the next day the knights rode out to patrol the outlying villages.

The day in which Merlin revealed himself as Emrys to the king of Camelot was finally there and Morgana couldn't be by his side. She was asked to please stand outside and scry the conversation. The night before she hadn't had any nightmares about Merlin getting killed, not that she expected Arthur to do that to his loyal servant. In fact, Merlin claimed that occasionally the King would ask his servant for advice. He did find that his two best confidants were both from the lower city.

She whispered the spell to watch her lover walk to either his honor or his death. She was biting her nails endlessly. She was a witch. Merlin could not go alone she had insisted before but now she felt cold and accepting of the decision he made. It was not the one she would have made but she just knew that he would make a good decision.

_"Arthur, my love?" Gwen questioned from behind the door. Merlin was surely at her side._

_ "Gwen, I am here. This entire side of the castle is closed off under my orders. I sent Agravaine away as well. Emrys, if he is present, is safe to enter." Arthur sounded patient, even relieved, that the opportunity had arisen for him to meet the great sorcerer to live._

_ "I must ask you for sure that you will be understanding before I bring him in, Arthur Pendragon. I don't want to be responsible for the death of a man who you promised not to kill or punish. I will not have a hand in this if you do not promise me this one thing." Gwen was the sweetest person she had ever met. She was a great Queen and would go down in history for sure. A decision she made influenced the one Merlin made that Morgana had not approved of but at least she was doing everything to keep Merlin safe. Morgana owed Gwen so much, so much indeed._

_ "Bring Emrys in, Gwen. I would not agree to this if I didn't believe I could keep my word." Morgana was biting her lip angrily. She couldn't bare the wait. Soon Merlin would be walking through the door at Arthur and admitting himself to be Emrys. She was trying to keep herself at bay by remembering the first night she kissed Merlin, the night that spent together as one, when Merlin promised himself to her with or without marriage. They were always meant to be, even if one would have to kill the other._

_ Gwen was walking through the door in a grandiose blue ensemble. Morgana always wore sleek and slim fit dresses but Gwen's were full and luxurious. She opened the door into full view while asking that Arthur close his eyes until instructed otherwise. He said he would agree but only because she was his wife. Their flirting was somewhat encouraging._

_ Soon Merlin was walking into the room cautiously. Gwen shut the door behind him and found herself trailing him all the way to the stairs in front of Arthur Pendragon. Merlin was trembling visibly, even in her small pool of water. Gwen grabbed Merlin's hand and squeezed before stepping aside as he took a final breath._

_ "Arthur…" Merlin started. Arthur already recognized his voice. He lurched forward waiting for the confirmation. "You may open your eyes, my lord."_

_ She could see the same emotions she experienced upon realizing Merlin was the one and only Emrys. He opened his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. He was completely speechless. His crown fell from his head and rolled away from him quickly. Arthur found himself on his feet but unmoving from the highest spot in the room. He looked down on Merlin with wide eyes._

_ "You are Emrys? Merlin, you are Emrys!" His voice questioned the reality standing on front of him. Merlin watched his kind, his master, and his best friend as he glowered at the servant. All the years that they had been friends and Arthur was now finding that Merlin betrayed people of his kind, defending Camelot's stance in a land without magic. Arthur stared on emotionless._

_ "Yes, I am. I never knew that a time would present itself in which I could tell you." Arthur looked from Merlin over to Gwen who straightened her posture at his critical glare._

_ "How long have you known, Gwen? How long have you known this?" He was out of breath. It was still laying into him what was happening. Gwen didn't respond right away. Arthur got instantly upset and shouted at her while gesturing towards the ground she stood on to imply a commanded answer. "HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOW!"_

_ She did not falter, however, and spoke steadily as if her husband hadn't just raised his voice at her. Gwen bowed her head, "A few days before I brought it up at dinner, sire."_

_ "Arthur, please calm down for a moment. Surely you understand why I couldn't speak up about this sooner. Your father would have killed me. There were times when I thought you would kill me." This infuriated Arthur more than the fact that Merlin was a warlock, it appeared. He got so close to Merlin that their noses touched. Gwen stepped neared to them but Arthur shoved her away from him. Gwen didn't fall down but she grabbed her arm and nearly struck her King for his actions._

_ "You believed that I would kill you? You thought that I wouldn't have kept your secret? Are we not friends, Merlin? Have I not covered for you? Have I given you any reason to believe that I would have killed you? If anything I am more upset that you didn't trust me to keep you safe." Arthur grabbed Merlin by his arms and shook him slightly. "I have trusted you blindly for years and you couldn't repay me that one thing."_

_ He released Merlin and turned to Gwen to whom he apologized. Morgana felt bad for Arthur on some level. For years Merlin had been coming up with brilliant ideas that seemed impossible or improbable that Arthur didn't believe but somehow convinced others to go along with it. Surely he was understanding now in Merlin's revealed state that perhaps he'd never been fantastic and capable but guarded by a warlock._

_ "Arthur, I have loved you like a brother for years. I thought our friendship would end if you knew that I was saving your life. I thought you would resent me if you knew I fixed your odds. I thought you'd kill me if you knew that I tried to save your father with an aging spell only to have it turn on me and cause his death. Nothing that I had ever done for the better would have meant a thing to a man who agreed to uphold magic bans in his kingdom created by his murderous father." Merlin was on the defensive now. Arthur felt betrayed but now Merlin did as well. He expected Arthur's worst or his best but not his most selfish. He was hurt because he felt as if Merlin wasn't a real friend. He wasn't happy that his friend felt comfortable to finally admit his role. He wasn't mad because all this time a sorcerer was by his side and he'd never known._

_ "I cannot help but wonder how many times you saved my life, how many times without you I would have died. But now is not the time to ask about what could have been. The only question about the past I want to ask is what made you want to tell me now, since clearly our strong friendship meant nothing before." Arthur's personality was showing again and he gaining a small level of comfort. Morgana sobbed with happiness. He didn't kill Merlin. That's all her mind was wrapped around, he didn't kill Merlin._

_ "That is a story best left for another day, Arthur." Morgana was glad that he didn't test his limits by stating that she was the driving factor behind the decision. He never let her once forget that he was making the decisions for her. "If you don't mind my asking, what will become of the magic ban?" _


	11. Chapter 11

_**"You're gone, gone, gone away,**_  
_**I watched you disappear.**_

_**All that's left is a ghost of you"**_

_"The magic ban will be lifted with caution. I think to begin with we should have witches and warlocks register themselves as magic users. We've got to have some level of control over the use so that people like Morgana do not come to power. We've only just ended our battles with her." Arthur announced. Morgana did not take offense to the statement aware fully that she deserved it. However, she wished she could redeem herself somehow._

_ "My lord, Morgana was a good woman once. Do you not believe she could prove herself a good woman once more?" Merlin was quick to defend his lover. Gwen's eyes nearly popped out of her head and she was silently suggesting that Merlin stand down. Morgana held her breath only for a moment as Arthur began his next sentence._

_ "I believe anything is possible, Merlin. You're a warlock; I'm married to a woman once a servant. Up is down! What do I know anymore? If Morgana can stand here and talk to me civilly I would reconsider punishing her for her treason." Arthur's words were probably false but Morgana's heart and mind connected for the briefest moment of insanity. She used her magic to appear in the castle. The scry's image was lost in transition._

Arthur grabbed a sword and pointed it at the spot where Morgana appeared. No longer did she wear a black dress but rather a deep brown one to help her blend. She appeared more humble than before. He was huffing in attempt to understand what was happening to his life. Everything he thought he knew was thrown into the wind.

"Arthur, I will only ask once, put that sword down." Merlin got nearer to Morgana instead of Arthur. Morgana spotted the final stage of recognition in her old friend's eyes. He put together the way in which Merlin became protective over Morgana that there was something between them. He turned around and threw the sword at the stone walls. Gwen went to console Arthur who was cursing everyone and anything that he could think of in the moment.

"Arthur, I was watching the meeting. Please, I don't expect a home in Camelot. I just want to have a life with Merlin without fear of him being punished for my mistakes. If you grant me amnesty and pardon my past I will never come back, we can lead a life far away from your castle. I promise I'd never come back, I would never disturb your life again." She found herself groveling to the man that she would have killed a year ago. She wasn't jealous of his throne anymore. She was show when Merlin told Arthur that he was Emrys that a chance for the destiny that Merlin always spoke of was a truth. She hopefully could be a part of that future.

"Is this what you told me for? Do you want to leave me to fend for myself to be with her? If I lift the ban will you run away with her?" Arthur was many terrible things and he was many great things. He was also many surprising things. He was reliant on Merlin. He was a sidekick and he was a hero in many ways that Morgana hadn't seen because of her knowledge. Arthur would make any exception he had to in order to keep Merlin in his council.

"I would, yes. I don't want special treatment because we are friends." Merlin admitted and Morgana nodded absolutely. They didn't want the King of Camelot to show preference. He had an example to make of himself and this would send the wrong message if he didn't treat them the ways in which he would treat others.

"If I give her a fair trial would you stay?" Arthur pleaded of the young warlock. "You are an asset to this kingdom and everyone would hate to see you go. You've helped me rule so far and I would ask that you don't stop."

Merlin looked over Morgana. Their eyes met and stayed focused on each other. They couldn't hear each other's voices in their heads but they communicated clearly enough without words. Merlin didn't think the trial was worth it. He knew how much the knights hated Morgana, but she also knew that the public opinion would play a big role and if the public found that she should be forgiven then so it would be her verdict. Morgana was willing to take a chance if it meant Merlin could continue being friends with a good man like Arthur Pendragon. She may have lost direction and doubted him but she was proud of whom he had become after all that time.

"Arthur, if I may, perhaps you should hold an open court and ask the public what they think she be done with the Lady Morgana. The knights are not unlike yourself, sire, and would not deny the people what they think is right. If the opinion is favorable of her presence then we could pardon her. If not then we banish her to the outskirts with amnesty for her past crimes. We've got a kingdom to think about but can't sacrifice what we know it our hearts is right. She stands here a shattered woman only asking for forgiveness. Would you deny her that because of a lack of direction from a poor guardian such as your father?" Gwen's voice was the one that sounded off the suggestion. It was the best option they had. Morgana was to be escorted to Merlin's chambers and remain hidden there until a consensus was reached on her fate.

When Merlin woke the next morning he went to the courts to listen to the suggestions Arthur received on how to handle Morgana if she were to be captured even though her terrorism had ended long ago. Morgana was scrying again to see how things went before Merlin came back. Arthur and Merlin expected it even though she hadn't told either of them that it was her intention.

As soon as her name was mentioned people went ballistic. Morgana hated that she had ever made those decisions. So many people called for her death as she had caused their family so much sorrow by murdering grandparents, parents, and children relatives. She ruined livelihoods and damaged businesses. It was hurtful to know that here was just a monster. For years that would be the case and probably would be in history as well. Merlin excused himself from the madness to come and check on her, she knew it. However, Arthur suddenly closed the court. It would be reopened after lunch. He went chasing after an angry Merlin, probably to comfort him. All Morgana cared about though was relieving herself and Merlin of the one thing that truly burdened.

_I will have lived and died loving you_,she scribbled across the page. She rummaged through Gaius' bottles quickly. When she couldn't find the mixtures she needed she started downing whatever was in the bottles she could find. She felt dizzy, then sick, then tired, then invigorated. It would only be a few more minutes before Merlin was in the quarters to find her. She hoped to be dead by then. Got some water from a nearby bucket and cupped some in her palms. She uttered through chattering teeth a curse that would surely kill her. She gulped the poison quickly and hurried to Merlin's room and slammed the door shut.

"I am sorry, Merlin." She gasped into the air. The damage it would cause would be temporary, even if completely traumatizing. Morgana saw now that the dream she had so long ago was that Arthur killed her but that she killed herself. Being so close to redemption was too much for her, especially since it would never truly come. Her chance at a good life had been lost when she was too foolish to listen to Merlin's stories and trust him that way he trusted everyone else around him. He would make a great warlock on the royal council. With his King he would make a dreamy Albion, Merlin would be the credit to it all. Magic people from everyone would worship him. She knew his story would end with her. Morgana wouldn't let it.

Air was short now…Merlin's footsteps could be heard now in the next room. He was registering all the fallen bottles and the water droplets. He feared the worst as he should. Eyes were now fluttering shut and the Lady Morgana was passing to an afterlife in which she could always watch over her beloved Merlin.

"MORGANA!" He screamed. He made efforts to save her as she'd envisioned before. None of her nightmares were false. Her dying day was finally there and she welcomed it with warmth and understanding. It was a well-deserved ending to her story. Merlin was rushing but she couldn't tell what happened anymore. Her chest barely rose as she drew her last breath. "I love you, Morgana. Please don't leave me here alone. I need you more than anything."

In response to his words she groaned the last words she was destined to speak. "I'll never be gone, Merlin. Not really."

* * *

A/N: As a super fan of Merlin I know how people react when an important character dies, especially in a fashion that is incredibly OOC. However, I think if you continue reading you might be able to get past your grudge against me and find beauty in the story regardless. Please, please, please do not hate me. I trust my heart when I write and something about all of this felt right. If you don't like it when it's all said and done then please bash me for my inhumanity and lack of a soul.

I appreciate all who have at least read this far. You are wonderful people.


	12. Chapter 12

_**"Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,**_  
_**there's nothing we can do.**_

_**Just let me go, we'll meet again soon."**_

It was the first time Morgana would witness Merlin in anything other than his signature blue shirt and red scarf, and she wasn't even going to be alive for it. On this day he was decorated in black garb from head to toe. He was only notable as a person due to his pale skin which was such a high contrast to his clothes. Her spirit floated around the ceremony being held in private in the court yard of the castle. Arthur was holding it specifically for Merlin, whose heart was more broken than any person could ever imagine. She watched him for two nights howl in pain and scratch at the stone walls until his fingers bled. She was only a ghost, though. If he saw her he'd go mad. Morgana kept his distance praying every step of the way that even though they would be apart for a very long time they would someday meet again, even if it was in the afterlife.

Gwen and Arthur shed a few tears but ultimately everyone watched as Merlin crumbled. When the knights who had once requested her hand in marriage carried her nicely dressed body in a satin laced box Merlin was struggling to reach through them and hold her hand. After they placed Morgan's physical shell on a small stage to lift her higher than the others it was Merlin who threw himself over her casket and sobbed into the wood. His screams left Gwen gasping for air and Arthur furrowing his brow. They didn't know that she hovered nearby in the bushes wishing to console them all. However, she couldn't risk their mental stability for her own personal gain. She learned to be selfless the day she killed herself.

Merlin started singing in a low husky voice. It was a blessing hymn that was sang for royalty. Gwen eventually took his hand and joined in a soft soprano pitch. One by one the knights would join at various times. Merlin would continue to shout his sorrows in any direction he could turn. The last note was hanging in the air, still heard by everyone but only because of the echo of the castle walls. In that moment Merlin stopped breathing. Arthur rushed to his side to make sure that his heart still beat. Gwen followed and checked his pulse but his bloodshot eyes gazed over to the bushes where Morgana's soul sat between worlds. The Queen checked his pulse and the King pulled the manservant and soon-to-be sorcerer to the court onto his feet. Merlin's deadweight caused Arthur to stumble. Morgana froze and felt a chill emanate from her location. A frost even appeared on the leaves masking her.

There was a midnight escort to the meadow where she used to hide. There was a stream that leads into a wide open lake which ended in a waterfall. It was exactly like all the fairytales she'd been told growing up. This was a topic of discussion most often between Merlin and Morgana during her living days. It was her wish, she'd once admitted, to be sent away in this stream. She'd followed close behind the royal procession, keeping an especially fond eye close on Merlin as he remained emotionless throughout the ride. It was strange to think she wore but a lace frock in her ghostly state but couldn't feel the warmth of the spring air nor the chill of the wet mud on the ground she deliberately tread.

Morgana was in the treetops as she was loaded onto a raft with low walls and a pyre above what used to be her body. Arthur dismissed the knights and Gwen as he threw the match onto the hay. The flame caught and reignited the pain in Merlin's heart. His voice was scratchy and exhausted. Arthur watched Merlin with a hood handing over his eyes. He cried for his friend who hurt worse than he'd ever hurt in his life. Merlin broke a little bit more every wave that started carrying Morgana's body away from him. It was only three of four yards away she'd floated when Merlin started following alongside her. Arthur Pendragon, the great man he'd always been, chased his warlock friend on his venture.

The current was picking up and Merlin was jogging to keep up with his burning beauty. The heat wasn't damaging the body yet but soon it would engulf her and crisp the skin she used to inhabit. When finally she drifted into the wide open lake Merlin dashed into the water. He sent splashes flying in every direction as he flailed his body around to keep up with his dead lover. Morgana felt the chill releasing again, only more powerful. The branch on which she resided was covered in ice. She sank to the ground and followed around the lake as Merlin was running around the opposite side to catch one last look at the ashes of Morgana's body before the waterfall carried them to a faraway place which he could not follow.

And there was Arthur still just behind his friend. Morgana thanked him silently. He pulled Merlin from the water and wrapped him in a towel and then threw a robe over his shoulders. His eyes were constantly glued the water on the lake which stilled in the raft's absence. He collapsed into Arthur's arms soundlessly. It seemed to be hours before Merlin pushed himself from his King's arms.

"Just let me go. Leave me here." Arthur Pendragon did not need to be told twice. Morgana hid behind a tree dangerously close to her living lover, risking being seen and whatever chance he had left to live. Arthur rode away cautiously but knowingly. Merlin simply needed time.


	13. Chapter 13

_**"Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around**_  
_**I'll see you when I fall asleep"**_

Once a week Merlin could be found sitting on the edge of the waterfall humming the hymn Arthur sang at Morgana's subtle and simple funeral. Morgana had stuck around Camelot for several months to keep an eye on Merlin's recovery. Gwen kept him busy when Arthur wasn't ordering him to do chores or go on quests to solve mysteries in the outlying villages. As they aged and found themselves developing cricks and creaks the more their focuses became politically based. Regardless of where his loyalties lied and where his business left him he always returned to share the precious evening moments with a ghost he didn't know existed.

On a few occasions Morgana thought that Merlin was finding love in another woman but he always saw something in her that reminded him of Morgana. He professed these things to Arthur which she conveniently was always just present to witness from time to time. She was comforted and pained by this news. She wanted him to be happy but she didn't want him to forget who she was to his heart. At night when she'd get worried about him and sneak back to make sure he was well it was her name that he muttered.

Morgana had been avoiding Camelot in the winter times when Merlin was home most often. She would enjoy nature's beauty aware that Merlin was safe and sound inside Camelot's walls. Only every few weeks she'd check on him to ensure he'd not caught a cold. If the times were particularly dull in the forest she would hang back and watch him sleep. Being a ghost could be boring but knowing that her love was still waiting for the day when they could meet again made the time passing significantly more tolerable.

The winter that followed, the first winter Morgana strayed out of Camelot's grounds to see what else there was to explore, was the same winter that Morgana came back to find Merlin dressed in the same dark garb that he'd worn the night she'd died. The body being mourned? Morgana found that Gaius who had regained contact with his magic after all the dormant years serving under Uther. It allowed him a life of excruciatingly fantastic length but everyone finds that their time comes and they must go as instructed.

Morgana found Merlin sitting on the foot of his bed. The loneliness was apparent in his eyes. His features were ages and his body obviously weak. Morgana knew how she looked in comparison. Radiot. Young. Beautiful. This wasn't to say that Merlin was unattractive in his timed appearance. She guessed whether or not she should show herself to the man she loved who looked worse than Death itself. A single tear escaped his eye and splattered against the dusty floor. She knew she could not remain hidden.

"Merlin?" Her voice was startling to both Merlin and herself. She'd only spoken a handful of times in her new state. She was a transparent version of her young self. Her voice was timid and barely audible. Regardless of how it sounded Merlin turned around in his room recognizing the tone.

"Morgana? Morgana? Morgana!" He hooted into the air hoping to find her. She slid into view from the stone walls. Merlin's eyes bulged from his head, unsure whether or not he was really seeing the soul of his one and only love stepping out. He slid onto his knees and ran his hands through his hair with true surprise. Morgana could see the thoughts tracing themselves across every memory of her when she lived and the results after her death. "Why now? Why now!" He demanded of her. Her clear hands cupped his face soon after and she shook her head.

"You didn't need me until now, love. To show myself in a time when you were fine would have been selfish. You will lose your mind trying to find ways to continue a love that cannot exist between the living and the dead, now, and it was my duty to you not to ruin it until there was nothing left to lose." Merlin tried to lean in and kiss the woman but Morgana was not really there for him to feel. It was a chilly air that looked like her and nothing more. Merlin growled in anger and turned around fiercely.

"I want to touch you. I want to feel you. I've waited too long." She could see the madness already and knew the effects would be rapid. It was not her intention to do this damage so young but the only person left to die was Arthur, and Merlin could bare that no better than he did when she left him behind. Gwen was a strong woman and if Arthur died before she then nobody else was better fit to be the last standing. Morgana wished it hadn't come to this for her lover. She saw no other way.

"Merlin, those things are not possible. Not yet. When your time comes we will be together again." Merlin slammed himself into the nearest wall and screeched again, covering his ears and closing his eyes. Morgana covered her mouth and felt the chill escaping again. She tried to maintain her own feelings. "I will stay until you fall asleep, my dear, but I cannot come back again. I love you too much to watch this spiral. You have much left to do."

His knuckles were bleeding and his shirt was tearing from where he yanked at the stitches and buttons. His pants sagged down and his blanket was soon pulled up to his chin. Morgana lay in the small bed, her soul mingling temporarily with his as she rest next to the grown man. He mumbled about her presence, cursed her hiding from him, but most of all swore to himself he'd see her soon. He would do whatever it took. Morgana waited until the sun rose before she left. There was nothing left for her in Camelot. She wouldn't come back.


	14. Chapter 14

_**"Don't listen to a word I say**_  
_**The screams all sound the same.**_

_**Though the truth may vary**_  
_**this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore"**_

The trick about being a ghost is learning to accept life alone. She had never gone back to Camelot, was never in Arthur Pendragon's territory, not since she revealed herself to Merlin. She would never know how long he lived after that, she would never know the damage of her selfish actions. Once it may have felt as though she was trying to help Merlin but in hindsight he probably didn't need her at all. He'd been alright for the years that she'd been gone.

Most nights Morgana found herself screaming at thoughts of Merlin's demise. Sometimes when she was careless children and young adults would see her floating in the mists of their gardens and fields. She heard rumors go around the lands that she was haunting them. Some stories reflected a revenge on bandits that had killed her. Others said she was waiting for her one true love to find her and take his life. Those ones were the closest to the real thing. Her soul lingered waiting for the man she loved more than herself. But she didn't expect him to kill himself. She just waited until his role in the Pendragon kingdom was finished.

It was weeks since she'd last been spotted by someone. She found herself dancing in the moonlight to music that didn't exist. She used to dance frivolously at parties, celebrations, and festivals back in Camelot when she was the simple and beloved Lady Morgana. The fun she had had then was unimaginable to the terrors and bore she'd experience in the years to follow. For the first time in her limbo life she wished that she'd be able to finally die and be rid of the world. It was difficult to occupy herself; it was difficult waiting for Merlin. She waited for a man she may never see again.

When Morgana's mind drifted back to her surroundings she discovered she had entered unconsciously back into Arthur's territory. She was near Ealdor which prompted her to go check on the people there. Merlin's mother had passed on at some point but Morgana never knew when exactly it was, and Merlin had never really been affected by it extensively. In her age it was expected, and after the death's he'd been through in his prosperous life his strength was unyielding.

There was a statue of Merlin in the town square. Ealdor had grown much larger since she'd been there last. Fields were twice the size they used to be. There were more tools and nicer homes. It really had gotten the help from Camelot's King that it needed. Morgana's lips curled into a smile. It was a warm feeling she got being in a place where Merlin's influence was presence. She went off into the woods to figuratively rest.

Her transparent legs were floating to and fro in the water. She flashed back to the horrible day she had to watch Merlin crumble at the realization of her death. She'd floated through a river into a lake and down a waterfall. For years he would sit at the top of the waterfall forcing himself to relive the pain of losing her. She hated seeing him that way even though it was flattering to know she was never forgotten. The sadness she always felt in his absence was rising again. She wondered if it was possible to turn from a ghost into a banshee.

"Morgana."

The name being spoken was strange. She didn't even register it being spoken until the second time it was whispered.

"Morgana." She twisted her malleable body in circles trying to identify the one who called her name. The King and Queen were old and likely never left that castle. They had no children, surprisingly, and were mulling over the decisions of whom would take over as King when Arthur died. It wouldn't be either of them. There were few people left alive that would remember who she was simply by looking at her. Those were would have no reason to be travelling to Ealdor…all except…

"Merlin." She concluded. However, she could not find the source of the calls. He would be old and unable to move quickly. She started rushing through the trees and brush trying to find him but there was no sign of him. It was killing her that she couldn't find the one calling her name, someone she was sure would be Merlin.

Morgana's lip quivered in hatred as she found herself dependent on finding Merlin. This was not what she'd promised herself years ago when she left Camelot. There was not supposed to be anything here for her anymore. Merlin had been punished for her selfishness and in order to redeem those acts she had to leave. She found her way back and now she was frantic in identifying a voice that might have just been her imagination.

"Morgana." There it was again. She turned one last time to see if she had missed something that was right in front of her the entire time. Of course she had. Another ghost was wading in the water where she'd been sitting before. A quick burst of self-induced wind carried her gaseous mass towards the young man that looked so very familiar.

"Merlin." His goofy smile was just as handsome as it had ever been when he was alive. The pushed their hands together and it was though they were human again. A heat was present between them. The happiness was obvious on both faces of the somewhat living dead. Morgana should have known it was Merlin's joke hiding from her and making her crazy.

"How dare you do that to me, Merlin." Morgana hummed at her lover. Merlin simply continued to smile at her.

"You're one to talk, aren't you? Considering I was mentally insane for a few months so long ago." Morgana knew to what he referred. She shook her head at him. It was nothing in comparison, that much was sure. She leaned in and hugged him. Finally they were together again. Regardless of the stories and potential outcomes for the nonsense she'd been filling her sorrowful days with everything came together nicely.

"I've missed you so much." Morgana's throat tightened as if she could cry still. Her hands reached up and cupped Merlin's cheeks. The trees were easily defined through his body but to her it didn't matter. If love could exist in the afterlife this magnificently the opacity of either person didn't matter, not either of them. Merlin's chin sunk down on its own accord and connected his lips to hers. For the first time since they were just still teetering on the line of youth they could kiss each other once again. Words could not describe the moment.

* * *

That's a wrap!

A/N: I didn't include that last phrases of the song because it was repeated phrase. In the end this seemed like the perfect place to end the story. I love this song and it touches me in an indescribable way. For months I've been listening to it trying to figure out what it kept reminding me of and one day after reading a Mergana the song came on and it clicked. Everything about the mood of the song and dynamic in these characters made sense and I knew that a song fic for them was in order. I hope I did some level of justice for you guys. Thanks so much for reading!


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